no. instead, i'm starting a new year. and doing some thinking. a lot. i've been doing a lot of thinking. about a lot of different things. things over the past year, and really, several years, that i'm happy with. and some i'm not so happy with.
it hit me today. it's been four years since i graduated. wow. time flies, i guess.
four years. where am i?
i think it's time for a personal progress report. and so that's what i've been doing. and it's caused me to think. a lot.
before i get too into this, there are plenty of things in my life i'm quite pleased with. i know God's brought me a long way and done sooo much in my life. He's blessed me in ways i wouldn't have imagined or dreamed of since i left virginia four years ago. i love my job. l. o. v. e. i know it's what God has gifted me for and where He wants me at this time in my life. {though i also understand it is not where He will keep me forever. and i'm okay with that.} i love my life at the moment. there have been several changes -- financial strain with a new car, leaving my dad's church and my comfort zone for new and unfamiliar territory, challenging and slightly stressful new responsibilities and duties at work, some stressful familial changes -- but i'm fully aware of God's hand in every situation and have seen Him awesomely and mightily at work in my {and those around me} life.
that being said, i've gotten sloppy. not overly so, but enough that it's been brought to my attention. by the Creator of the universe, no less.
from not keeping up with some of my ocd orginizational tendencies {some of you may argue it is not so bad i become sloppy in this area}, to the bluntness of my "holiday fluff" making it hard to fit into my favorite pair of jeans {that's what new years resolutions are for, right?}, to my attitude torward God.
and what scares me most is that my relationship with God was the last one to catch my attention. in fact, my sloppy exercise routines and eating habbits were the first. my current lack of a wall calendar has been bugging me since before the new year. and the God thing was only brought home this morning. in Bible study.
a lot of people seem to struggle with the idea that God could love them. that a just and perfect, holy God could love a sinner, full of blackness. this has never been an issue for me. not to say that i don't find it awe-inspiring and worthy of great admiration and adoration. quite the oppisite. i've just never had much trouble believing it. i don't doubt it. i know He does. but i've become sloppy. He does love me. so much He has spent the whole of humanity's existence on this planet pursuing me. He wrote me love letters, explaining to me how He'd cross the dessert to get to me and bring me home with Him, how He'd purchase me out of slavery, how He'd give up His crown and title to be with me, a commoner, how, when necessary, He'd give His life in place of mine, though i was the one who committed the crime, how He'd do whatever had to be done to make it to where we could be together, how He'd always look out for me, make sure my needs were met, fight for me, and how He'd pursue me to the end of time, waiting for me to grow too weary to keep running.
and i got sloppy. i forgot the message. i grew stagnent and lost the meaning of the words i was reading.
people say it's the greatest love story ever told. but who really considers the impact of those words anymore? they've become yet another cliche. "love notes from a Savior."
every once in a while, my romantic side rears its ugly head, and my thoughts revolve around love and wedding planning and marriage and babies, etc. a few months back now, this occurred {i blame pinterest}, and i found myself longing to have that special someone and feeling exceptionally lonesome. i have had quite a few friends in the last year getting married, or engaged, or pregnant, or in debt with a mortgage...and while i am of course happy for them, i think ever single friend out there will acknowledge that there is always a slight pang that a friend has found someone and is getting ready to start some epic chapter of their life together. and we haven't even found any good prospects to dream about. {other than jake gyllenhaal, of course.} and while this feeling, i'm sure, is normal and not at all a sin, there is a proper reaction. this is where i've veered off course.
my reaction has slowly turned from asking God for peace and understanding and wisdom to whining. more than once in recent months, i've been irritated that God is taking so long and asking what could possibly be causing Him to keep me waiting. i mean, i'm lonely. and i want to share my life with somebody. and He hasn't even brought a prospect to the table. what the heck?
and so, whether i've voiced these opinions aloud or not, this has become the attitude of my heart. had become. it will change. and i think that's why i was so unprepared for the lesson this morning. it was on love. {predictably.} although, i'm fairly certain what kylie was teaching on had nothing to do with what God said to me. he did make one statement though {and i didn't write it down at the time, so this is more of a paraphrase}. he said that this book {he was holding up his Bible} records over 6 centuries of God pursuing us because He loves us and wants a deep, meaningful, personal relationship with us. that word got me. "pursuing." it sounds so romantic. i think most girls would say they want a guy who will pursue them, who would follow them to the end of the earth just to get to spend the day with them. that's God. He will and does pursue us, like a starstruck lover, not blinded to our inadiquacies, but infatuated in spite of them! how much more romantic can you get?! isn't it awfully "romeo and juliet" that He died because it wasn't worth being alive if we weren't also alive with Him?! only our story has a happy ending. He died to be with us. when we die {to ourselves} we wake to live with Him eternally. {if Christians really got that and lived by it, the ramifications would be astounding...}
and i've been sloppy. as a significant other, i've been downright pitiful. i've treated His daily love letters to me like they were as exciting as the high school sports section for a newspaper for some small town in montana that i've never even heard of. i've treated our relationship like it's not good enough, like i need someone better than Him to be happy, cause He's just not cutting it for me. ridiculous!
i knew these girls back in college who would say things like, "i'm dating Jesus," when they were single, claiming they were using the time to work on their Walk. right. i hated that terminology for so many reasons. first off, if we're the bride of Christ, you're not dating Jesus. second, what happens when that guy in bio finally asks you out? what are gonna do? break up with Jesus? and third, it's not even true. so, let me be clear, i'm not dating Jesus. and if God brings someone into my life this year, i'll not be breaking it off with Christ to go to the movies with jake g {when he finally calls me back}. but God made it evident to me in our conversation while i drove home. i may be ready for marriage on some levels, but not on all. and i need to work on my marriage with Him -- rekindle the romance and all that. because even when He brings His special, earthly stand-in into my life, he won't be perfect and will never bring me the kind of contentment that i find in my first Love.
so, this year i'm working on my relationship with my first Love. i expect to see His love notes in a whole new light, which i shall endeavor to share regularly with y'all. i hope you will not neglect your love notes this year, or worse, see them as predictable and boring...
lastly, i wanted to share with you a story from this morning's Bible study. it's the story behind the song "how He loves" made popular by the david crowder band. the song was actually written by a guy named john mark mcmillan. i love the song, but the story behind it just brings in a whole new dynamic. how many people, Christian people, have the kind of relationship with God, that they can love like this? i think that kind of love must be revolutionary, and i find i want to experience it...
here is the story:
"He {John Mark} had a youth minister he was close to and he’d been praying and praying for there to be a movement among the youth that he was leading. One morning, when they were meeting to pray he said, “I’d give my life for this if that’s what it takes to see a movement among these youth. Do whatever you need to do God.” That evening John Mark’s friend, Steven the youth pastor, died in a car wreck, and John Mark wrote the song in memory of his friend."
How He Loves : A Song Story from john mark mcmillan on Vimeo.
and here are the lyrics:
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realise just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me
And O how He loves us
Oh, O how He loves us
How He loves us all
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realise just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me
Yeah He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves
We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves
And O how He loves us
Oh, O how He loves us
How He loves us all..."
{1 john 4:10}
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