God is AWESOME!! i feel the need to shout that from the rooftops today. {it is of course true everyday, i just see ample evidence of it in my email.}
a few weeks back, i wrote about some more stress in my life causing me to again doubt God's abilities. {why do i do that?} i referenced matt 6:25-34. that passage hits home again today, but for very different reasons. among the financial stress i have going on in life at the moment, i have -- much like the average american college student today -- student loans i'm paying on. {and will probably pay on for the rest of my life. i think i could buy a house for as much as i'll have paid for my education.} for different reasons, my loan paybacks went up starting in september. i was under the impression they would not until next september. clearly, i was mistaken. in the midst of several panic attacks and i'm sure some new gray hairs i have {the monthly bills more than doubled}, i applied for a payment lowering thing {the good kind, not the kind that hurt your credit}, not really expecting to get it, since that's what i'd been on to begin with and had just ended. after dropping it in the mail, i came back home and told God basically that i did my part and either He better take care of it or come up with some extra monthly income, cause i simply did not have the extra cash.
last monday rolled around, no word. wednesday, i got the email that they'd automatically withdrawn the payment {all those digits...}. today, i had an email that i had a "new document to be viewed on my account". {why do they word it like that? why don't they just say what they're talking about? security my eye.} with baited breath i opened it. {i know, i know, you're on pins and needles, right?} my payments have been readjusted back to the original amount. {yay!} so basically, i made one month's really large payment. and the heck of it is, i'd gotten several unexpected incomes this month that took care of the overage on my budget {+ chinese food. it was a pretty exciting night.}. it's like -- AGAIN -- God was testing me. {shocker.}
so while i was out walking riley, i talked to God {i frequently do, as He's better conversation than riley.} and told Him how grateful i was, though i wish He maybe would have sped things up a bit. and there it was again. that voice. "I needed you to see that it was Me. I saved you, not you. I put up the roadblock, and then I took it away. I took care of you, as I will always take care of you. Got it?" {maybe i should stop telling people i hear voices...} it's almost like God thinks i'm hard-headed. i don't know why...
but what i do know is that any time in the Bible that God repeats something it must be important. the only conclusion i can draw then is that this must be important. i have to learn to let go...
in fact, do you ever get that feeling you're just on the brink of something? like, you're standing on the edge of a cliff with a rope and harness just waiting for that moment when your belayer gives you the okay to jump the edge? that's kind of my life at the moment. {as fate would have it, that seems to be a running theme amongst my friends at the moment.} unlike them, i am not looking for a career change. in fact, right now, that seems to be the only given in my life. i love my job, and i know i'm where God wants me. however, i seem to be in the midst of an interesting transitional phase. i've found a new church home that i love and am enjoying getting involved in. i've made several new friends that i'm slowly getting to know. i've pretty much decided i'm gonna be looking for a new place when my lease comes up, so that should be interesting. and i feel as though i'm standing on the brink of something huge, just waiting for the fog to clear. i know God's timing is perfect, but i wish His were just a little bit quicker...{"dude, I like invented time." -- another God quote from my walk today.} i know God's growing me for something epic. i'm even a little excited...and scared...
i'll leave you with a song that's pretty much been my life story of late. LOVE this song, and LOVE gungor. {if you don't know 'em, go check out their music. :)} this is "beautiful things".
{2 cor 5:14, 17}
Friday, September 30, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
just roll with it
what's worse than a student throwing up in class?
the teacher throwing up in class...
don't worry; it didn't happen. i made it to the bathroom in time...
why do the most random moments of my life occur at the most inconvenient times?
{ecc 3:4}
the teacher throwing up in class...
don't worry; it didn't happen. i made it to the bathroom in time...
why do the most random moments of my life occur at the most inconvenient times?
{ecc 3:4}
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
my life is a sitcom
God has a sense of humor; i just don't find it amusing.
ever have one of those moments where you get the urge to look up at the sky, point your finger, and yell, "that's not funny, God!" yeah. me too. twice in two days.
actually, my whole week has been one awkward moment after another...
yesterday in Bible, one of my girls asked me to define "circumcised". then, later in the day, we had school pictures. while i was monitoring my class as they took their pictures and waiting in line to get mine taken, the photographer turned around and started to yell at me because he thought i was a meddlesome student. my boss, who happened to be standing next to me at the time, turned away from the photographer to laugh hysterically at me. she then told all the office workers and any teacher who has walked by about how i was taken for a misbehaving student. that afternoon, i was walking my dog, only to see a former student {the kind you're as happy to see go as they are to leave, come summer break} and his family moving in to my apartment complex. on my way to work this morning, i was sitting at a light, jamming to my song, when i saw movement out of the corner of my eye. who should appear, but a current student, hanging out of his car window, flailing his arms to get my attention. when he did, he proceeded to point and laugh at me. this week has me looking around for the hidden cameras somewhere. seriously, am i stuck in a nightmare? {tomorrow, i'll show up to work with no pants on...}
i hope my week so far at least makes you feel better about yours. if not, then not enough awkwardness happens in your life and you need to get right with God. He is the maker of great awkwardness. it's called life...because the truth is, awkward moments define my life.
{john 15:19-21}
ever have one of those moments where you get the urge to look up at the sky, point your finger, and yell, "that's not funny, God!" yeah. me too. twice in two days.
actually, my whole week has been one awkward moment after another...
yesterday in Bible, one of my girls asked me to define "circumcised". then, later in the day, we had school pictures. while i was monitoring my class as they took their pictures and waiting in line to get mine taken, the photographer turned around and started to yell at me because he thought i was a meddlesome student. my boss, who happened to be standing next to me at the time, turned away from the photographer to laugh hysterically at me. she then told all the office workers and any teacher who has walked by about how i was taken for a misbehaving student. that afternoon, i was walking my dog, only to see a former student {the kind you're as happy to see go as they are to leave, come summer break} and his family moving in to my apartment complex. on my way to work this morning, i was sitting at a light, jamming to my song, when i saw movement out of the corner of my eye. who should appear, but a current student, hanging out of his car window, flailing his arms to get my attention. when he did, he proceeded to point and laugh at me. this week has me looking around for the hidden cameras somewhere. seriously, am i stuck in a nightmare? {tomorrow, i'll show up to work with no pants on...}
i hope my week so far at least makes you feel better about yours. if not, then not enough awkwardness happens in your life and you need to get right with God. He is the maker of great awkwardness. it's called life...because the truth is, awkward moments define my life.
{john 15:19-21}
Monday, September 12, 2011
déjà vu
here i sit, stressing again. for no real reason. the car situation has been taken care of {by God, of course -- not me}. and, while i'm under financial strain at the moment, honestly, who isn't? God will take care of me, and i know it.
so, what's my problem? my brain. it's constant. my logical side will not shut off and let go. it feels the need to nag me, point out my flaws, where i've gone wrong in the past and where i'm sure to struggle in the future. and it's me. it's not satan. it's my personal battle -- day to day. some struggle with the logic of the Bible vs. science. i've never had that issue. the logic of creationism and the beauty of mathematics in the natural universe more than convinces me of a Divine Creator. some struggle with the logic of love -- why/how a perfect God could love them. not me. i'm not positive why He loves me, but i understand enough working with children and being mommy to my puppy to understand a parent's love is {should be} absolute and unchanging based on behavior. of course our Creator and model Parent will love us always and no matter what. my struggle is control. i have the hardest time giving up control. my heart knows God can and will handle my life better than me, but in the back of my mind, my brain likes to bring up the worldly problems that will arise to cause me to fail.
you know the expression, "ignorance is bliss"? well, i'm convinced that this is not only true, it's proof that dumb people have an easier time trusting God. seriously. meanwhile i sit here literally worrying myself sick. if only i were dumber...
why can't i just let it go. half the things bugging me are not only entirely beyond my control, they are something that won't affect me any time soon. really, i think i might be psychotic.
maybe i'm the only one who struggles with this issue {though i doubt it}. anyways, i thought i'd get a temporary break from this lesson. it seems that was a premature assessment...
{matthew 6:25-34}
so, what's my problem? my brain. it's constant. my logical side will not shut off and let go. it feels the need to nag me, point out my flaws, where i've gone wrong in the past and where i'm sure to struggle in the future. and it's me. it's not satan. it's my personal battle -- day to day. some struggle with the logic of the Bible vs. science. i've never had that issue. the logic of creationism and the beauty of mathematics in the natural universe more than convinces me of a Divine Creator. some struggle with the logic of love -- why/how a perfect God could love them. not me. i'm not positive why He loves me, but i understand enough working with children and being mommy to my puppy to understand a parent's love is {should be} absolute and unchanging based on behavior. of course our Creator and model Parent will love us always and no matter what. my struggle is control. i have the hardest time giving up control. my heart knows God can and will handle my life better than me, but in the back of my mind, my brain likes to bring up the worldly problems that will arise to cause me to fail.
you know the expression, "ignorance is bliss"? well, i'm convinced that this is not only true, it's proof that dumb people have an easier time trusting God. seriously. meanwhile i sit here literally worrying myself sick. if only i were dumber...
why can't i just let it go. half the things bugging me are not only entirely beyond my control, they are something that won't affect me any time soon. really, i think i might be psychotic.
maybe i'm the only one who struggles with this issue {though i doubt it}. anyways, i thought i'd get a temporary break from this lesson. it seems that was a premature assessment...
{matthew 6:25-34}
Thursday, August 4, 2011
static cliche
you ever hear that overused Christian slogan, "if God brought you to it, then He'll bring you through it?" yeah, i've always hated that saying. i hate those kind of cliches really. i always feel like they degrade the issue, as if some cute, rhyming proverb is supposed to comfort the hurting person. instead, i suspect they make the person feel as though their issue isn't very big and they're over reacting. i don't know; maybe they do comfort some people. that's just never been my personal experience...
i've had a rough week...year...life, really. {pardon the dramatics.} okay, maybe not that rough. i'm a little whiny at the moment. but you know what, i want to whine for a sec. if you don't want to listen to my whining...well, who cares?! you're not writing this are you? close the stupid tab.
anyway, this week has blown. for a lot of reasons. however, i only intend to deal with one here. the others are not only personal, they're not all mine to share.
so, my car. allow me to outline shortly. my car has been more or less the bane of my existence since about two months after i bought it. my fault a little. and the dealer's some. heck, you weren't there...it was all the dealer's fault...no, it's not. i think that's part of what bothers me. see, apparently i have some kind of problem dealing with failure. but that's a different issue. i digress; back to the car. i am currently the disappointed, dissatisfied, and disheartened owner of a 2004 vw passat. stress {in more ways than one} on the word owner. i paid off this little gem last february. proud of myself too. it's almost like i'm a grown-up. yeah my car sucks...but it's mine. i feel obliged to add to this, it's not all the car's fault. oh, it's a little the car's fault, and one of my biggest issues with the car is what is my fault. vw's, when taken care of, are good, safe cars. but when mishandled, they cost more than they're worth. the funny thing about a vw is that it doesn't take normal parts. everything that goes in it must be vw, and carry with it the vw price tag. which is what i should have considered before i bought it. i won't make that mistake again.
subsequently, i paid for this car itself, with interest, somewhere in the region $13000. yeah, i overpaid. but what's done is done. no use crying over spilled milk. since i bought the car, i've had one major system after another go bad and need replacement at an alarmingly increasing rate of failure. i've put something around $4k +/- into just repairs. do the math. i've had this car for two years, almost to the day, and i've paid {and am still paying} somewhere in the neighborhood of 17 grand to keep this unquenchable black hole on the road. but that's not even the best part.
yesterday, inexplicably, my dash started flashing some lights about my brakes and beeping shrilly at me. lovely. this morning i took it in. {brake problems are not something one puts off.} after a couple of hours, they couldn't find the problem. i'd been out of brake fluid apparently when i pulled in, but after replacing the fluid they couldn't find a leak or get the lights to come on. of course. {incidentally, i have a theory that mechanical failures will not occur while in the presence of a man. i have evidence that suggests that cars are sexist machines that will only act up when women are present, and never repeat their failures in front of a mechanic who would know how to solve the problem...} i needed the oil changed, so i had them do that while it was there. but the brake problem was something they didn't know how to deal with until it repeated the offense, so they told me to drive carefully and come in should the lights come on or brakes feel even slightly bad. which is what i did. i ran some errands and was on my way home when my dash lit up again. i took it in.
as you are no doubt already aware, the news was not good...
apparently, there's this thing called an abs monitor. apparently, the one in my car doesn't work right...or at all actually. apparently, without it, my car's back brakes could lock up should i need to slam on the brakes. {have you seen houston's drivers?!} apparently, with labor, at the only place able to fix it -- the vw dealership -- the repairs will cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $2000. apparently, also, i have something of a "lean system" that my car has been running with. {if someone had said this of my personal system, i'd have taken it as a compliment.} apparently, they don't know what's causing that -- could be several things -- but they do know that it's shot my cat converter...the brand spankin' new one i paid over a thousand to replace last fall. apparently, since it's not a defect, it would be another thousand to fix. {i didn't bother telling them about the slow leak with the coolant i have.} apparently, this car and i are no longer meant to be.
it's not just that i don't want to pour another $3000+ into this car. {although, i don't.} i cannot afford that. i have neither the money nor the means of getting that kind of money. and additionally, every 4-5 months now, something else BIG breaks. really? 17k in two years. i could have bought a newer, more reliable car for that. i can't keep doing this, and i don't think i should.
i suppose it has become abundantly clear to me now that i need to buy a newer, more reliable, non-vw car. i wasn't planning on this. oh, i had a plan. make the car last another year or so. next summer, after saving up, i would trade her in for a nice car. but, alas, that was not meant to be.
which is kind of the story of my life, as it happens. i plan. i organize and i research and i detail and i work or reason out what's going to happen. and then God steps in front of me and {with i'm pretty sure the same pointed finger and tone that i use on riley} He says, "no." and inevitably, i struggle. and then He gets sterner, " i said, 'no.'" and i cave. i'm not positive what would happen were i to continue to struggle beyond this point; i've never really attempted it. but the thought alone gives me reason to imagine a giant paddle, which is frankly quite terrifying and inspiration enough to never want to find out.
those who knew me when i was younger can attest: my life is not quite what i imagined it would be. oh, i'm quite content; i have no regrets...well, maybe a car i bought...it's just not the direction i'd chosen to set myself upon. but that's the kicker, i suppose. most major decisions in my life have come upon me unexpectedly, altering my course and destination, and choices i thought i'd made were revised or avoided altogether. i've found myself in places i'd never imagined, with new dreams, while old plans and dreams have slowly faded away. and each time it's clearly been a God thing. i would think i knew what He wanted me to do; i would set off in that direction, only for God to put a wall up that forced only one option in a direction i'd never even considered.
i empathize with paul some on that one. more than once, he set off in a direction {asia for instance}, only for God to force him in a 180 toward what looked like death in europe. and look how that ultimately turned out. if paul hadn't gone with the gospel to europe, how different would our lives be today? i'm not saying any of my decisions are nearly as epic in repercussions as paul's were, but i am saying i never see the whole picture until hindsight. and every time, it's better than i was even capable of imagining.
and i don't truly think the significance of my current predicament is the monetary value of my car. in fact, increasingly often, God has been putting me into situations from which only He can save me and, i think, demonstrate to me His power.
maybe i sound arrogant; i don't intend to be. it's just that recently i've felt as though the majority of trouble i've faced has had little to do with me. i didn't really do anything exceptionally foolish to get myself into the problems. it's as though God is putting me into these scenarios so that He can swoop in at the last moment and make it clear -- i had nothing to do with my rescue. it's on God. and i think that's my major life lesson of the moment: i have to let go. i am not in control, and frankly, i don't think i want to be. {i've seen that job description, and i'm not interested.} even in the little moments of rescue {moments i won't bother to explain as they might make me sound even more neurotic} i find i almost hear an audible voice telling me, "I want to make sure that you understand that I did that -- not you."
maybe i am neurotic. {maybe?} i am hearing voices, right?
this i do know: this point in my life, God is using to teach me to be okay with not being in charge. i am not responsible for my fate, and if even half of the dreams/visions i have for my future are to occur, i cannot be responsible. i've a gut feeling this lesson will haunt me for a while, that God will point me to this and a few other miraculous saves in my life on a later date and say, "see? we've covered this. remember how I kept you then? well, you ain't seen nothin' yet!" {yes, God says ain't.} which is of course a rather disconcerting thought at the moment. if this is nothing...
but there it is. this is my life right now. i'm out of control. and what a paralyzing terror and overwhelming comfort is found in the knowledge that this is not my problem to handle. i'm not responsible. i don't "got" this one, and i never did. and that has to be enough...
{psalm 146}
i've had a rough week...year...life, really. {pardon the dramatics.} okay, maybe not that rough. i'm a little whiny at the moment. but you know what, i want to whine for a sec. if you don't want to listen to my whining...well, who cares?! you're not writing this are you? close the stupid tab.
anyway, this week has blown. for a lot of reasons. however, i only intend to deal with one here. the others are not only personal, they're not all mine to share.
so, my car. allow me to outline shortly. my car has been more or less the bane of my existence since about two months after i bought it. my fault a little. and the dealer's some. heck, you weren't there...it was all the dealer's fault...no, it's not. i think that's part of what bothers me. see, apparently i have some kind of problem dealing with failure. but that's a different issue. i digress; back to the car. i am currently the disappointed, dissatisfied, and disheartened owner of a 2004 vw passat. stress {in more ways than one} on the word owner. i paid off this little gem last february. proud of myself too. it's almost like i'm a grown-up. yeah my car sucks...but it's mine. i feel obliged to add to this, it's not all the car's fault. oh, it's a little the car's fault, and one of my biggest issues with the car is what is my fault. vw's, when taken care of, are good, safe cars. but when mishandled, they cost more than they're worth. the funny thing about a vw is that it doesn't take normal parts. everything that goes in it must be vw, and carry with it the vw price tag. which is what i should have considered before i bought it. i won't make that mistake again.
subsequently, i paid for this car itself, with interest, somewhere in the region $13000. yeah, i overpaid. but what's done is done. no use crying over spilled milk. since i bought the car, i've had one major system after another go bad and need replacement at an alarmingly increasing rate of failure. i've put something around $4k +/- into just repairs. do the math. i've had this car for two years, almost to the day, and i've paid {and am still paying} somewhere in the neighborhood of 17 grand to keep this unquenchable black hole on the road. but that's not even the best part.
yesterday, inexplicably, my dash started flashing some lights about my brakes and beeping shrilly at me. lovely. this morning i took it in. {brake problems are not something one puts off.} after a couple of hours, they couldn't find the problem. i'd been out of brake fluid apparently when i pulled in, but after replacing the fluid they couldn't find a leak or get the lights to come on. of course. {incidentally, i have a theory that mechanical failures will not occur while in the presence of a man. i have evidence that suggests that cars are sexist machines that will only act up when women are present, and never repeat their failures in front of a mechanic who would know how to solve the problem...} i needed the oil changed, so i had them do that while it was there. but the brake problem was something they didn't know how to deal with until it repeated the offense, so they told me to drive carefully and come in should the lights come on or brakes feel even slightly bad. which is what i did. i ran some errands and was on my way home when my dash lit up again. i took it in.
as you are no doubt already aware, the news was not good...
apparently, there's this thing called an abs monitor. apparently, the one in my car doesn't work right...or at all actually. apparently, without it, my car's back brakes could lock up should i need to slam on the brakes. {have you seen houston's drivers?!} apparently, with labor, at the only place able to fix it -- the vw dealership -- the repairs will cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $2000. apparently, also, i have something of a "lean system" that my car has been running with. {if someone had said this of my personal system, i'd have taken it as a compliment.} apparently, they don't know what's causing that -- could be several things -- but they do know that it's shot my cat converter...the brand spankin' new one i paid over a thousand to replace last fall. apparently, since it's not a defect, it would be another thousand to fix. {i didn't bother telling them about the slow leak with the coolant i have.} apparently, this car and i are no longer meant to be.
it's not just that i don't want to pour another $3000+ into this car. {although, i don't.} i cannot afford that. i have neither the money nor the means of getting that kind of money. and additionally, every 4-5 months now, something else BIG breaks. really? 17k in two years. i could have bought a newer, more reliable car for that. i can't keep doing this, and i don't think i should.
i suppose it has become abundantly clear to me now that i need to buy a newer, more reliable, non-vw car. i wasn't planning on this. oh, i had a plan. make the car last another year or so. next summer, after saving up, i would trade her in for a nice car. but, alas, that was not meant to be.
which is kind of the story of my life, as it happens. i plan. i organize and i research and i detail and i work or reason out what's going to happen. and then God steps in front of me and {with i'm pretty sure the same pointed finger and tone that i use on riley} He says, "no." and inevitably, i struggle. and then He gets sterner, " i said, 'no.'" and i cave. i'm not positive what would happen were i to continue to struggle beyond this point; i've never really attempted it. but the thought alone gives me reason to imagine a giant paddle, which is frankly quite terrifying and inspiration enough to never want to find out.
those who knew me when i was younger can attest: my life is not quite what i imagined it would be. oh, i'm quite content; i have no regrets...well, maybe a car i bought...it's just not the direction i'd chosen to set myself upon. but that's the kicker, i suppose. most major decisions in my life have come upon me unexpectedly, altering my course and destination, and choices i thought i'd made were revised or avoided altogether. i've found myself in places i'd never imagined, with new dreams, while old plans and dreams have slowly faded away. and each time it's clearly been a God thing. i would think i knew what He wanted me to do; i would set off in that direction, only for God to put a wall up that forced only one option in a direction i'd never even considered.
i empathize with paul some on that one. more than once, he set off in a direction {asia for instance}, only for God to force him in a 180 toward what looked like death in europe. and look how that ultimately turned out. if paul hadn't gone with the gospel to europe, how different would our lives be today? i'm not saying any of my decisions are nearly as epic in repercussions as paul's were, but i am saying i never see the whole picture until hindsight. and every time, it's better than i was even capable of imagining.
and i don't truly think the significance of my current predicament is the monetary value of my car. in fact, increasingly often, God has been putting me into situations from which only He can save me and, i think, demonstrate to me His power.
maybe i sound arrogant; i don't intend to be. it's just that recently i've felt as though the majority of trouble i've faced has had little to do with me. i didn't really do anything exceptionally foolish to get myself into the problems. it's as though God is putting me into these scenarios so that He can swoop in at the last moment and make it clear -- i had nothing to do with my rescue. it's on God. and i think that's my major life lesson of the moment: i have to let go. i am not in control, and frankly, i don't think i want to be. {i've seen that job description, and i'm not interested.} even in the little moments of rescue {moments i won't bother to explain as they might make me sound even more neurotic} i find i almost hear an audible voice telling me, "I want to make sure that you understand that I did that -- not you."
maybe i am neurotic. {maybe?} i am hearing voices, right?
this i do know: this point in my life, God is using to teach me to be okay with not being in charge. i am not responsible for my fate, and if even half of the dreams/visions i have for my future are to occur, i cannot be responsible. i've a gut feeling this lesson will haunt me for a while, that God will point me to this and a few other miraculous saves in my life on a later date and say, "see? we've covered this. remember how I kept you then? well, you ain't seen nothin' yet!" {yes, God says ain't.} which is of course a rather disconcerting thought at the moment. if this is nothing...
but there it is. this is my life right now. i'm out of control. and what a paralyzing terror and overwhelming comfort is found in the knowledge that this is not my problem to handle. i'm not responsible. i don't "got" this one, and i never did. and that has to be enough...
{psalm 146}
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