beautiful things

God is AWESOME!! i feel the need to shout that from the rooftops today. {it is of course true everyday, i just see ample evidence of it in my email.}

a few weeks back, i wrote about some more stress in my life causing me to again doubt God's abilities. {why do i do that?} i referenced matt 6:25-34. that passage hits home again today, but for very different reasons. among the financial stress i have going on in life at the moment, i have -- much like the average american college student today -- student loans i'm paying on. {and will probably pay on for the rest of my life. i think i could buy a house for as much as i'll have paid for my education.} for different reasons, my loan paybacks went up starting in september. i was under the impression they would not until next september. clearly, i was mistaken. in the midst of several panic attacks and i'm sure some new gray hairs i have {the monthly bills more than doubled}, i applied for a payment lowering thing {the good kind, not the kind that hurt your credit}, not really expecting to get it, since that's what i'd been on to begin with and had just ended. after dropping it in the mail, i came back home and told God basically that i did my part and either He better take care of it or come up with some extra monthly income, cause i simply did not have the extra cash.

last monday rolled around, no word. wednesday, i got the email that they'd automatically withdrawn the payment {all those digits...}. today, i had an email that i had a "new document to be viewed on my account". {why do they word it like that? why don't they just say what they're talking about? security my eye.} with baited breath i opened it. {i know, i know, you're on pins and needles, right?} my payments have been readjusted back to the original amount. {yay!} so basically, i made one month's really large payment. and the heck of it is, i'd gotten several unexpected incomes this month that took care of the overage on my budget {+ chinese food. it was a pretty exciting night.}. it's like -- AGAIN -- God was testing me. {shocker.}

so while i was out walking riley, i talked to God {i frequently do, as He's better conversation than riley.} and told Him how grateful i was, though i wish He maybe would have sped things up a bit. and there it was again. that voice. "I needed you to see that it was Me. I saved you, not you. I put up the roadblock, and then I took it away. I took care of you, as I will always take care of you. Got it?" {maybe i should stop telling people i hear voices...} it's almost like God thinks i'm hard-headed. i don't know why...

but what i do know is that any time in the Bible that God repeats something it must be important. the only conclusion i can draw then is that this must be important. i have to learn to let go...

in fact, do you ever get that feeling you're just on the brink of something? like, you're standing on the edge of a cliff with a rope and harness just waiting for that moment when your belayer gives you the okay to jump the edge? that's kind of my life at the moment. {as fate would have it, that seems to be a running theme amongst my friends at the moment.} unlike them, i am not looking for a career change. in fact, right now, that seems to be the only given in my life. i love my job, and i know i'm where God wants me. however, i seem to be in the midst of an interesting transitional phase. i've found a new church home that i love and am enjoying getting involved in. i've made several new friends that i'm slowly getting to know. i've pretty much decided i'm gonna be looking for a new place when my lease comes up, so that should be interesting. and i feel as though i'm standing on the brink of something huge, just waiting for the fog to clear. i know God's timing is perfect, but i wish His were just a little bit quicker...{"dude, I like invented time." -- another God quote from my walk today.} i know God's growing me for something epic. i'm even a little excited...and scared...

i'll leave you with a song that's pretty much been my life story of late. LOVE this song, and LOVE gungor. {if you don't know 'em, go check out their music. :)} this is "beautiful things".



{2 cor 5:14, 17}

just roll with it

what's worse than a student throwing up in class?

the teacher throwing up in class...

don't worry; it didn't happen. i made it to the bathroom in time...

why do the most random moments of my life occur at the most inconvenient times?

{ecc 3:4}

my life is a sitcom

God has a sense of humor; i just don't find it amusing.

ever have one of those moments where you get the urge to look up at the sky, point your finger, and yell, "that's not funny, God!" yeah. me too. twice in two days.

actually, my whole week has been one awkward moment after another...

yesterday in Bible, one of my girls asked me to define "circumcised". then, later in the day, we had school pictures. while i was monitoring my class as they took their pictures and waiting in line to get mine taken, the photographer turned around and started to yell at me because he thought i was a meddlesome student. my boss, who happened to be standing next to me at the time, turned away from the photographer to laugh hysterically at me. she then told all the office workers and any teacher who has walked by about how i was taken for a misbehaving student. that afternoon, i was walking my dog, only to see a former student {the kind you're as happy to see go as they are to leave, come summer break} and his family moving in to my apartment complex. on my way to work this morning, i was sitting at a light, jamming to my song, when i saw movement out of the corner of my eye. who should appear, but a current student, hanging out of his car window, flailing his arms to get my attention. when he did, he proceeded to point and laugh at me. this week has me looking around for the hidden cameras somewhere. seriously, am i stuck in a nightmare? {tomorrow, i'll show up to work with no pants on...}

i hope my week so far at least makes you feel better about yours. if not, then not enough awkwardness happens in your life and you need to get right with God. He is the maker of great awkwardness. it's called life...because the truth is, awkward moments define my life.

{john 15:19-21}

déjà vu

here i sit, stressing again. for no real reason. the car situation has been taken care of {by God, of course -- not me}. and, while i'm under financial strain at the moment, honestly, who isn't? God will take care of me, and i know it.

so, what's my problem? my brain. it's constant. my logical side will not shut off and let go. it feels the need to nag me, point out my flaws, where i've gone wrong in the past and where i'm sure to struggle in the future. and it's me. it's not satan. it's my personal battle -- day to day. some struggle with the logic of the Bible vs. science. i've never had that issue. the logic of creationism and the beauty of mathematics in the natural universe more than convinces me of a Divine Creator. some struggle with the logic of love -- why/how a perfect God could love them. not me. i'm not positive why He loves me, but i understand enough working with children and being mommy to my puppy to understand a parent's love is {should be} absolute and unchanging based on behavior. of course our Creator and model Parent will love us always and no matter what. my struggle is control. i have the hardest time giving up control. my heart knows God can and will handle my life better than me, but in the back of my mind, my brain likes to bring up the worldly problems that will arise to cause me to fail.

you know the expression, "ignorance is bliss"? well, i'm convinced that this is not only true, it's proof that dumb people have an easier time trusting God. seriously. meanwhile i sit here literally worrying myself sick. if only i were dumber...

why can't i just let it go. half the things bugging me are not only entirely beyond my control, they are something that won't affect me any time soon. really, i think i might be psychotic.

maybe i'm the only one who struggles with this issue {though i doubt it}. anyways, i thought i'd get a temporary break from this lesson. it seems that was a premature assessment...

{matthew 6:25-34}