the pursuit of happiness

wow. has it really been since september? i've been on several times, stalking friends, trying to figure out the graph thingies {which kinda depress me}, and meaning to write. had a lot of topics come up, just never the time, nor motivation to actually write them down. a lot has been happening. some good. some not so much. i have no intention of sharing that however. most of it is pretty personal. i'll probably spend years in therapy for bottling my emotions, but even if i were so inclined as to share them, i hardly think this is the outlet.

no. instead, i'm starting a new year. and doing some thinking. a lot. i've been doing a lot of thinking. about a lot of different things. things over the past year, and really, several years, that i'm happy with. and some i'm not so happy with.

it hit me today. it's been four years since i graduated. wow. time flies, i guess.

four years. where am i?

i think it's time for a personal progress report. and so that's what i've been doing. and it's caused me to think. a lot.

before i get too into this, there are plenty of things in my life i'm quite pleased with. i know God's brought me a long way and done sooo much in my life. He's blessed me in ways i wouldn't have imagined or dreamed of since i left virginia four years ago. i love my job. l. o. v. e.  i know it's what God has gifted me for and where He wants me at this time in my life. {though i also understand it is not where He will keep me forever. and i'm okay with that.} i love my life at the moment. there have been several changes -- financial strain with a new car, leaving my dad's church and my comfort zone for new and unfamiliar territory, challenging and slightly stressful new responsibilities and duties at work, some stressful familial changes -- but i'm fully aware of God's hand in every situation and have seen Him awesomely and mightily at work in my {and those around me} life.

that being said, i've gotten sloppy. not overly so, but enough that it's been brought to my attention. by the Creator of the universe, no less.

from not keeping up with some of my ocd orginizational tendencies {some of you may argue it is not so bad i become sloppy in this area}, to the bluntness of my "holiday fluff" making it hard to fit into my favorite pair of jeans {that's what new years resolutions are for, right?}, to my attitude torward God.

and what scares me most is that my relationship with God was the last one to catch my attention. in fact, my sloppy exercise routines and eating habbits were the first. my current lack of a wall calendar has been bugging me since before the new year. and the God thing was only brought home this morning. in Bible study.

a lot of people seem to struggle with the idea that God could love them. that a just and perfect, holy God could love a sinner, full of blackness. this has never been an issue for me. not to say that i don't find it awe-inspiring and worthy of great admiration and adoration. quite the oppisite. i've just never had much trouble believing it. i don't doubt it. i know He does. but i've become sloppy. He does love me. so much He has spent the whole of humanity's existence on this planet pursuing me. He wrote me love letters, explaining to me how He'd cross the dessert to get to me and bring me home with Him, how He'd purchase me out of slavery, how He'd give up His crown and title to be with me, a commoner, how, when necessary, He'd give His life in place of mine, though i was the one who committed the crime, how He'd do whatever had to be done to make it to where we could be together, how He'd always look out for me, make sure my needs were met, fight for me, and how He'd pursue me to the end of time, waiting for me to grow too weary to keep running.

and i got sloppy. i forgot the message. i grew stagnent and lost the meaning of the words i was reading.

people say it's the greatest love story ever told. but who really considers the impact of those words anymore? they've become yet another cliche. "love notes from a Savior."

every once in a while, my romantic side rears its ugly head, and my thoughts revolve around love and wedding planning and marriage and babies, etc. a few months back now, this occurred {i blame pinterest}, and i found myself longing to have that special someone and feeling exceptionally lonesome. i have had quite a few friends in the last year getting married, or engaged, or pregnant, or in debt with a mortgage...and while i am of course happy for them, i think ever single friend out there will acknowledge that there is always a slight pang that a friend has found someone and is getting ready to start some epic chapter of their life together. and we haven't even found any good prospects to dream about. {other than jake gyllenhaal, of course.} and while this feeling, i'm sure, is normal and not at all a sin, there is a proper reaction. this is where i've veered off course.

my reaction has slowly turned from asking God for peace and understanding and wisdom to whining. more than once in recent months, i've been irritated that God is taking so long and asking what could possibly be causing Him to keep me waiting. i mean, i'm lonely. and i want to share my life with somebody. and He hasn't even brought a prospect to the table. what the heck?

and so, whether i've voiced these opinions aloud or not, this has become the attitude of my heart. had become. it will change. and i think that's why i was so unprepared for the lesson this morning. it was on love. {predictably.} although, i'm fairly certain what kylie was teaching on had nothing to do with what God said to me. he did make one statement though {and i didn't write it down at the time, so this is more of a paraphrase}. he said that this book {he was holding up his Bible} records over 6 centuries of God pursuing us because He loves us and wants a deep, meaningful, personal relationship with us. that word got me. "pursuing." it sounds so romantic. i think most girls would say they want a guy who will pursue them, who would follow them to the end of the earth just to get to spend the day with them. that's God. He will and does pursue us, like a starstruck lover, not blinded to our inadiquacies, but infatuated in spite of them! how much more romantic can you get?! isn't it awfully "romeo and juliet" that He died because it wasn't worth being alive if we weren't also alive with Him?! only our story has a happy ending. He died to be with us. when we die {to ourselves} we wake to live with Him eternally. {if Christians really got that and lived by it, the ramifications would be astounding...}

and i've been sloppy. as a significant other, i've been downright pitiful. i've treated His daily love letters to me like they were as exciting as the high school sports section for a newspaper for some small town in montana that i've never even heard of. i've treated our relationship like it's not good enough, like i need someone better than Him to be happy, cause He's just not cutting it for me. ridiculous!

i knew these girls back in college who would say things like, "i'm dating Jesus," when they were single, claiming they were using the time to work on their Walk. right. i hated that terminology for so many reasons. first off, if we're the bride of Christ, you're not dating Jesus. second, what happens when that guy in bio finally asks you out? what are gonna do? break up with Jesus? and third, it's not even true. so, let me be clear, i'm not dating Jesus. and if God brings someone into my life this year, i'll not be breaking it off with Christ to go to the movies with  jake g {when he finally calls me back}. but God made it evident to me in our conversation while i drove home. i may be ready for marriage on some levels, but not on all. and i need to work on my marriage with Him -- rekindle the romance and all that. because even when He brings His special, earthly stand-in into my life, he won't be perfect and will never bring me the kind of contentment that i find in my first Love.

so, this year i'm working on my relationship with my first Love. i expect to see His love notes in a whole new light, which i shall endeavor to share regularly with y'all. i hope you will not neglect your love notes this year, or worse, see them as predictable and boring...

lastly, i wanted to share with you a story from this morning's Bible study. it's the story behind the song "how He loves" made popular by the david crowder band. the song was actually written by a guy named john mark mcmillan. i love the song, but the story behind it just brings in a whole new dynamic. how many people, Christian people, have the kind of relationship with God, that they can love like this? i think that kind of love must be revolutionary, and i find i want to experience it...

here is the story:
"He {John Mark} had a youth minister he was close to and he’d been praying and praying for there to be a movement among the youth that he was leading. One morning, when they were meeting to pray he said, “I’d give my life for this if that’s what it takes to see a movement among these youth. Do whatever you need to do God.” That evening John Mark’s friend, Steven the youth pastor, died in a car wreck, and John Mark wrote the song in memory of his friend."


How He Loves : A Song Story from john mark mcmillan on Vimeo.

and here are the lyrics:
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realise just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

And O how He loves us
Oh, O how He loves us
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realise just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

Yeah He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves us
O how He loves

And O how He loves us
Oh, O how He loves us
How He loves us all..."

{1 john 4:10}

beautiful things

God is AWESOME!! i feel the need to shout that from the rooftops today. {it is of course true everyday, i just see ample evidence of it in my email.}

a few weeks back, i wrote about some more stress in my life causing me to again doubt God's abilities. {why do i do that?} i referenced matt 6:25-34. that passage hits home again today, but for very different reasons. among the financial stress i have going on in life at the moment, i have -- much like the average american college student today -- student loans i'm paying on. {and will probably pay on for the rest of my life. i think i could buy a house for as much as i'll have paid for my education.} for different reasons, my loan paybacks went up starting in september. i was under the impression they would not until next september. clearly, i was mistaken. in the midst of several panic attacks and i'm sure some new gray hairs i have {the monthly bills more than doubled}, i applied for a payment lowering thing {the good kind, not the kind that hurt your credit}, not really expecting to get it, since that's what i'd been on to begin with and had just ended. after dropping it in the mail, i came back home and told God basically that i did my part and either He better take care of it or come up with some extra monthly income, cause i simply did not have the extra cash.

last monday rolled around, no word. wednesday, i got the email that they'd automatically withdrawn the payment {all those digits...}. today, i had an email that i had a "new document to be viewed on my account". {why do they word it like that? why don't they just say what they're talking about? security my eye.} with baited breath i opened it. {i know, i know, you're on pins and needles, right?} my payments have been readjusted back to the original amount. {yay!} so basically, i made one month's really large payment. and the heck of it is, i'd gotten several unexpected incomes this month that took care of the overage on my budget {+ chinese food. it was a pretty exciting night.}. it's like -- AGAIN -- God was testing me. {shocker.}

so while i was out walking riley, i talked to God {i frequently do, as He's better conversation than riley.} and told Him how grateful i was, though i wish He maybe would have sped things up a bit. and there it was again. that voice. "I needed you to see that it was Me. I saved you, not you. I put up the roadblock, and then I took it away. I took care of you, as I will always take care of you. Got it?" {maybe i should stop telling people i hear voices...} it's almost like God thinks i'm hard-headed. i don't know why...

but what i do know is that any time in the Bible that God repeats something it must be important. the only conclusion i can draw then is that this must be important. i have to learn to let go...

in fact, do you ever get that feeling you're just on the brink of something? like, you're standing on the edge of a cliff with a rope and harness just waiting for that moment when your belayer gives you the okay to jump the edge? that's kind of my life at the moment. {as fate would have it, that seems to be a running theme amongst my friends at the moment.} unlike them, i am not looking for a career change. in fact, right now, that seems to be the only given in my life. i love my job, and i know i'm where God wants me. however, i seem to be in the midst of an interesting transitional phase. i've found a new church home that i love and am enjoying getting involved in. i've made several new friends that i'm slowly getting to know. i've pretty much decided i'm gonna be looking for a new place when my lease comes up, so that should be interesting. and i feel as though i'm standing on the brink of something huge, just waiting for the fog to clear. i know God's timing is perfect, but i wish His were just a little bit quicker...{"dude, I like invented time." -- another God quote from my walk today.} i know God's growing me for something epic. i'm even a little excited...and scared...

i'll leave you with a song that's pretty much been my life story of late. LOVE this song, and LOVE gungor. {if you don't know 'em, go check out their music. :)} this is "beautiful things".



{2 cor 5:14, 17}

just roll with it

what's worse than a student throwing up in class?

the teacher throwing up in class...

don't worry; it didn't happen. i made it to the bathroom in time...

why do the most random moments of my life occur at the most inconvenient times?

{ecc 3:4}

my life is a sitcom

God has a sense of humor; i just don't find it amusing.

ever have one of those moments where you get the urge to look up at the sky, point your finger, and yell, "that's not funny, God!" yeah. me too. twice in two days.

actually, my whole week has been one awkward moment after another...

yesterday in Bible, one of my girls asked me to define "circumcised". then, later in the day, we had school pictures. while i was monitoring my class as they took their pictures and waiting in line to get mine taken, the photographer turned around and started to yell at me because he thought i was a meddlesome student. my boss, who happened to be standing next to me at the time, turned away from the photographer to laugh hysterically at me. she then told all the office workers and any teacher who has walked by about how i was taken for a misbehaving student. that afternoon, i was walking my dog, only to see a former student {the kind you're as happy to see go as they are to leave, come summer break} and his family moving in to my apartment complex. on my way to work this morning, i was sitting at a light, jamming to my song, when i saw movement out of the corner of my eye. who should appear, but a current student, hanging out of his car window, flailing his arms to get my attention. when he did, he proceeded to point and laugh at me. this week has me looking around for the hidden cameras somewhere. seriously, am i stuck in a nightmare? {tomorrow, i'll show up to work with no pants on...}

i hope my week so far at least makes you feel better about yours. if not, then not enough awkwardness happens in your life and you need to get right with God. He is the maker of great awkwardness. it's called life...because the truth is, awkward moments define my life.

{john 15:19-21}

déjà vu

here i sit, stressing again. for no real reason. the car situation has been taken care of {by God, of course -- not me}. and, while i'm under financial strain at the moment, honestly, who isn't? God will take care of me, and i know it.

so, what's my problem? my brain. it's constant. my logical side will not shut off and let go. it feels the need to nag me, point out my flaws, where i've gone wrong in the past and where i'm sure to struggle in the future. and it's me. it's not satan. it's my personal battle -- day to day. some struggle with the logic of the Bible vs. science. i've never had that issue. the logic of creationism and the beauty of mathematics in the natural universe more than convinces me of a Divine Creator. some struggle with the logic of love -- why/how a perfect God could love them. not me. i'm not positive why He loves me, but i understand enough working with children and being mommy to my puppy to understand a parent's love is {should be} absolute and unchanging based on behavior. of course our Creator and model Parent will love us always and no matter what. my struggle is control. i have the hardest time giving up control. my heart knows God can and will handle my life better than me, but in the back of my mind, my brain likes to bring up the worldly problems that will arise to cause me to fail.

you know the expression, "ignorance is bliss"? well, i'm convinced that this is not only true, it's proof that dumb people have an easier time trusting God. seriously. meanwhile i sit here literally worrying myself sick. if only i were dumber...

why can't i just let it go. half the things bugging me are not only entirely beyond my control, they are something that won't affect me any time soon. really, i think i might be psychotic.

maybe i'm the only one who struggles with this issue {though i doubt it}. anyways, i thought i'd get a temporary break from this lesson. it seems that was a premature assessment...

{matthew 6:25-34}

static cliche

you ever hear that overused Christian slogan, "if God brought you to it, then He'll bring you through it?" yeah, i've always hated that saying. i hate those kind of cliches really. i always feel like they degrade the issue, as if some cute, rhyming proverb is supposed to comfort the hurting person. instead, i suspect they make the person feel as though their issue isn't very big and they're over reacting. i don't know; maybe they do comfort some people. that's just never been my personal experience...

i've had a rough week...year...life, really. {pardon the dramatics.} okay, maybe not that rough. i'm a little whiny at the moment. but you know what, i want to whine for a sec. if you don't want to listen to my whining...well, who cares?! you're not writing this are you? close the stupid tab.

anyway, this week has blown. for a lot of reasons. however, i only intend to deal with one here. the others are not only personal, they're not all mine to share.

so, my car. allow me to outline shortly. my car has been more or less the bane of my existence since about two months after i bought it. my fault a little. and the dealer's some. heck, you weren't there...it was all the dealer's fault...no, it's not. i think that's part of what bothers me. see, apparently i have some kind of problem dealing with failure. but that's a different issue. i digress; back to the car. i am currently the disappointed, dissatisfied, and disheartened owner of a 2004 vw passat. stress {in more ways than one} on the word owner. i paid off this little gem last february. proud of myself too. it's almost like i'm a grown-up. yeah my car sucks...but it's mine. i feel obliged to add to this, it's not all the car's fault. oh, it's a little the car's fault, and one of my biggest issues with the car is what is my fault. vw's, when taken care of, are good, safe cars. but when mishandled, they cost more than they're worth. the funny thing about a vw is that it doesn't take normal parts. everything that goes in it must be vw, and carry with it the vw price tag. which is what i should have considered before i bought it. i won't make that mistake again.

subsequently, i paid for this car itself, with interest, somewhere in the region $13000. yeah, i overpaid. but what's done is done. no use crying over spilled milk. since i bought the car, i've had one major system after another go bad and need replacement at an alarmingly increasing rate of failure. i've put something around $4k +/- into just repairs. do the math. i've had this car for two years, almost to the day, and i've paid {and am still paying} somewhere in the neighborhood of 17 grand to keep this unquenchable black hole on the road. but that's not even the best part.

yesterday, inexplicably, my dash started flashing some lights about my brakes and beeping shrilly at me. lovely. this morning i took it in. {brake problems are not something one puts off.} after a couple of hours, they couldn't find the problem. i'd been out of brake fluid apparently when i pulled in, but after replacing the fluid they couldn't find a leak or get the lights to come on. of course. {incidentally, i have a theory that mechanical failures will not occur while in the presence of a man. i have evidence that suggests that cars are sexist machines that will only act up when women are present, and never repeat their failures in front of a mechanic who would know how to solve the problem...} i needed the oil changed, so i had them do that while it was there. but the brake problem was something they didn't know how to deal with until it repeated the offense, so they told me to drive carefully and come in should the lights come on or brakes feel even slightly bad. which is what i did. i ran some errands and was on my way home when my dash lit up again. i took it in.

as you are no doubt already aware, the news was not good...

apparently, there's this thing called an abs monitor. apparently, the one in my car doesn't work right...or at all actually. apparently, without it, my car's back brakes could lock up should i need to slam on the brakes. {have you seen houston's drivers?!} apparently, with labor, at the only place able to fix it -- the vw dealership -- the repairs will cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $2000. apparently, also, i have something of a "lean system" that my car has been running with. {if someone had said this of my personal system, i'd have taken it as a compliment.} apparently, they don't know what's causing that -- could be several things -- but they do know that it's shot my cat converter...the brand spankin' new one i paid over a thousand to replace last fall. apparently, since it's not a defect, it would be another thousand to fix. {i didn't bother telling them about the slow leak with the coolant i have.} apparently, this car and i are no longer meant to be.

it's not just that i don't want to pour another $3000+ into this car. {although, i don't.} i cannot afford that. i have neither the money nor the means of getting that kind of money. and additionally, every 4-5 months now, something else BIG breaks. really? 17k in two years. i could have bought a newer, more reliable car for that. i can't keep doing this, and i don't think i should.

i suppose it has become abundantly clear to me now that i need to buy a newer, more reliable, non-vw car. i wasn't planning on this. oh, i had a plan. make the car last another year or so. next summer, after saving up, i would trade her in for a nice car. but, alas, that was not meant to be.

which is kind of the story of my life, as it happens. i plan. i organize and i research and i detail and i work or reason out what's going to happen. and then God steps in front of me and {with i'm pretty sure the same pointed finger and tone that i use on riley} He says, "no." and inevitably, i struggle. and then He gets sterner, " i said, 'no.'" and i cave. i'm not positive what would happen were i to continue to struggle beyond this point; i've never really attempted it. but the thought alone gives me reason to imagine a giant paddle, which is frankly quite terrifying and inspiration enough to never want to find out.

those who knew me when i was younger can attest: my life is not quite what i imagined it would be. oh, i'm quite content; i have no regrets...well, maybe a car i bought...it's just not the direction i'd chosen to set myself upon. but that's the kicker, i suppose. most major decisions in my life have come upon me unexpectedly, altering my course and destination, and choices i thought i'd made were revised or avoided altogether. i've found myself in places i'd never imagined, with new dreams, while old plans and dreams have slowly faded away. and each time it's clearly been a God thing. i would think i knew what He wanted me to do; i would set off in that direction, only for God to put a wall up that forced only one option in a direction i'd never even considered.

i empathize with paul some on that one. more than once, he set off in a direction {asia for instance}, only for God to force him in a 180 toward what looked like death in europe. and look how that ultimately turned out. if paul hadn't gone with the gospel to europe, how different would our lives be today? i'm not saying any of my decisions are nearly as epic in repercussions as paul's were, but i am saying i never see the whole picture until hindsight. and every time, it's better than i was even capable of imagining.

and i don't truly think the significance of my current predicament is the monetary value of my car. in fact, increasingly often, God has been putting me into situations from which only He can save me and, i think, demonstrate to me His power.

maybe i sound arrogant; i don't intend to be. it's just that recently i've felt as though the majority of trouble i've faced has had little to do with me. i didn't really do anything exceptionally foolish to get myself into the problems. it's as though God is putting me into these scenarios so that He can swoop in at the last moment and make it clear -- i had nothing to do with my rescue. it's on God. and i think that's my major life lesson of the moment: i have to let go. i am not in control, and frankly, i don't think i want to be. {i've seen that job description, and i'm not interested.} even in the little moments of rescue {moments i won't bother to explain as they might make me sound even more neurotic} i find i almost hear an audible voice telling me, "I want to make sure that you understand that I did that -- not you."

maybe i am neurotic. {maybe?} i am hearing voices, right?

this i do know: this point in my life, God is using to teach me to be okay with not being in charge. i am not responsible for my fate, and if even half of the dreams/visions i have for my future are to occur, i cannot be responsible. i've a gut feeling this lesson will haunt me for a while, that God will point me to this and a few other miraculous saves in my life on a later date and say, "see? we've covered this. remember how I kept you then? well, you ain't seen nothin' yet!" {yes, God says ain't.} which is of course a rather disconcerting thought at the moment. if this is nothing...

but there it is. this is my life right now. i'm out of control. and what a paralyzing terror and overwhelming comfort is found in the knowledge that this is not my problem to handle. i'm not responsible. i don't "got" this one, and i never did. and that has to be enough...

{psalm 146}